OMG Tel Aviv

As someone who has never been, the words, “you are going to Israel” evoked a few emotions. Excitement, anticipation, curiosity and yes, maybe even a little in trepidation. The latter being so slight it was practically non-existent…….until I arrived at the Philadelphia airport.

Having already been through security once, I was completely put off at the site of my exit gate bound for Israel. Normally open, the entire gate was enclosed by a 12-foot wall, and encased in an opaque plastic. Entrance to the gate required another security check and large signs leading to the check-point warned in English, Hebrew and Arabic, that once inside, there were no bathrooms and no leaving. The security guards were Israel Defense Forces (IDF), well armed and surprisingly pleasant.

After clearing the second checkpoint, the sight of armed guards patrolling the outside of the aircraft made that little anxiety grow that much more. What had I gotten into? Although I knew not to judge anything based on the media, having been to Dubai and having my media created perceptions completely demolished, I could not help but race through all of the PLO and Gaza strip newsreels in my mind.

The flight was great! Yes, it was 12 hours straight, but, US Airways has some new planes and I had my own personal TV in the headrest with streaming movies, TV, games, music, even shopping! Technology is amazing!


Shortly after arriving at the airport, all of my fears were gone. While the conflict is an absolute reality, with very serious allegations on both sides including ethnic cleansing and ongoing oppression charges, the city itself seems far removed. Tel Aviv has been described as a city of ”half Iran” and ”half California”; it’s something like a synagogue which meets a sushi bar. A hip city
where a thousand year old building has a funky coffee shop downstairs and a museum upstairs. Tel Aviv has some of the cleanest and most easily accessible urban beaches in the world and it is amazing! The newly refurbished pier area is breathtaking with boutique shops and eateries where the outside seating offers spectacular views of the Mediterranean at no extra charge. Something about breathing in the salt and breeze from the waters I used to navigate made this old sailor’s heart swell. I felt grounded and happy in that place.

I stayed at the Sheraton Towers in Ramat Gan. While the hotel was everything a Sheraton

should be on the outside, in the lobby, at the pool, in the spa, and at breakfast (YUM, more on that later), it breaks my heart that I CANNOT recommend them. The hotel does not meet my three criteria: “clean, clean and clean”. At first, I thought that maybe housekeeping just missed me, so I gave it a day. On the second day, my bed was made, the trash was gone, but it was not “cleaned” you know, spray cleaner, scrub, scrub, scrub everything, sweep and mop, you know, clean. This “surface clean” was something I noticed throughout my entire stay from the hotel to restaurants to businesses. Nothing was “deep clean”. Considering this, I am not sure that any hotel would match my requirements, so I guess in some ways I do recommend the Sheraton Towers by default.

So, the food. OMG the food! Israel is a vegetarians’ dream come true. Well…lacto-ovo vegetarians’ anyway. The hotel breakfast buffet seemed to go on forever. An almost never-ending assortment of breads, pastries, quiches and casseroles. Fresh fruit, local cheeses, strong coffee. A vast variety of fish (yes for breakfast) cereals, boiled eggs and even an omelet maker. It just went on and on and on. Everything was local, fresh and divine. As you may know I LOVE breakfast and almost ate myself into a coma!

The Israeli culture is very akin to my own German culture, food equals love. So here I am, full as a tick and the customer wants to go out to lunch. Lunch on the first day was Hummus and Ful. Everything is served with an assortment of “salads”, olives, pickled vegetables, falafel, pita bread, rice, it just goes on and on, but it is all so delicious. The room temperature humus is spread around the inside of the bowl and the hot ful is scooped in the middle. Olive oil and lemon juice are poured on top with various spices. It was so much food, I told my host we should share, to which he replied “Israeli men don’t share” lol.

The second day lunch was Shakshuka. Shakshuka is a dish consisting of poached or fried eggs cooked in a sauce of tomatoes, peppers, onions, and spices including cumin, turmeric, and chilies.

My host said there were two varieties, regular and spicy. Pointing to the spicy version he said, “That is not for you” lol, so I had the regular. The meal was delicious and again, huge by itself, but then they brought us each a loaf of fresh bread, a bowl of olives, and all the “salads” that come with the meal. After this meal, my host graciously asked if I would like to have Italian or Chinese food tomorrow. He assumed that I was not enjoying the meals, since I was not finishing them. I assured him that they were delicious, and despite being fat, I could simply not eat any more!

By the third day, I was eating a much smaller breakfast to avoid offending my host. On this day we enjoyed Kabobs. I had joked about the meal sizes with my host so he was kind enough to only order me two types Beef and Chicken. They were delicious and I actually enjoyed the chicken more, a first for me! They were both savory and the chicken had a real kick from the spices. I was feeling confident that I could finish this meal, but then the waitress began bringing all of the extras out, hummus, bread, pitas, olives, rice, etc, etc. I actually started laughing out loud as my host explained that this was a “small” meal and that hummus was not considered a “side”, but rather a dip, kind of like olive oil at an Italian restaurant. Again, everything was delicious and I was painfully full and pleased.

For days four and five, I skipped breakfast all together. I had not been able to eat dinner, since I was so full after lunch. By skipping these two meals, I was almost able to finish my lunch on Thursday and Friday! I thought for sure I had gained 20 pounds with the way I felt, but to my surprise upon returning home, I had LOST 4 pounds! I guess Old Testament eating has some health benefits. Maybe that is why Jesus was so ripped!? Lol

So, you may be asking, “Thomas, it was all good?” and saying, “I don’t believe it” well, up until the day I flew out it was indeed all good. Here is the big warning sticker, they will not let you leave without a fight! It is true. I’m not sure what the motivation is, but Tel Aviv airport is the stupidest cluster fu#* of an airport that simultaneously destroys the concept of intelligent design and frustrates you into considering if it might be easier to join the IDF and make a new living in Israel.

I left for the airport three and a half hours early. Not by choice mind you, that is just the way my time at the customer ended and I figured I should just get to the airport since I had my bags with me. At the end of my ordeal, I had only 15 minutes to catch my flight! WARNING: READING THE FOLLOWING WILL MAKE YOU QUESTION THE VERY EXISTENCE OF INTELLIGENT BEINGS.

Ok. I had a great trip. Great food, great people, I even had a great conversation with the taxi driver on the way to the airport and we exchanged contact info for my next trip I plan to make with the family. I wish him happy Hanukah, he wishes me a merry Christmas and I step lively into the seventh ring of hell, cleverly disguised as sliding glass doors.
As you enter the airport, there is a large sign at the back of the airport that reads “Departures” in seven different languages. “Oh, this will be easy” I think as I saunter happily into my first line which is guarded by a woman checking passports and tickets, behind her I can see the security area with metal detectors and the whole bit. I wait patiently for my turn as the line snakes around for about 15 minutes. When my turn arrives, I happily hand my passport and tickets to the woman who looks it over and asks, “Do you have any other identification?” “ahhhh, what do you need?”, I ask. “There is supposed to be a security sticker on here”. “But that is security over there; I am trying to get there”. “No, there is a security sticker you need before here. Go to the information desk and ask where to go.”

Ooook, no problem, I have time. I walk over to the information desk on the other side of the airport and the woman there says I have to go to the US Airways counter and check in, other side of the airport, level G. I walk to the elevator with bags in tow and go to level G. On the elevator is a woman with a US Airways badge and she says she will be taking us to the counter. GREAT! Things are looking up. As we exit the elevator, we go around a few roped lines that have a huge number of people waiting. These roped areas lead to a security scanner, but then the line goes right back out into the public area where I am. Very odd. I follow the representative to the US Airways counters and stand in line again. This area would be kind of like the ticket check in area in the US. I wait patiently for my turn as the line snakes around for about 15 minutes. When my turn arrives, I hand my passport and tickets to the woman who looks it over and asks if I have been through security. “No, security sent me down here”, she looks puzzled and points to the area behind me. “You have to go through security before you can come here”. I didn’t even bother to tell her that the representative brought us all here and that the security is idiotic because it just dumps me right back here and this whole area is protected by the same ropes that banks use to keep people from walking up to the tellers.

I grab my bags, duck under the rope and go get in the massive line for “security”. . I wait for my turn as the line snakes around for about 35 minutes. When my turn arrives, I hand over my passport and tickets to the woman who looks it over, asks me a series of questions and then takes my passport of to, who knows where. Anyway, I will fast forward here; my bags go through a scanner, into another line where I have to unpack my bag in front of them. A word of caution here ladies, they take EVERYTHING out of your bag that requires batteries….that’s right…..anything that requires batteries….the woman in front of me was about embarrassed enough to die on the spot, enough said.
All this security puts me right back where I was at the ticket counter, still in possession of my bags. . I wait for my turn as the line snakes around for about 15 minutes. When my turn arrives, I hand my passport and tickets to the woman who looks it over and sends me…..you guessed it, back upstairs to the original line!! So you know what happened next? I go back upstairs, I wait for my turn as the line snakes around for about 15 minutes. When my turn arrives, I give my passport and tickets to the woman who looks it over and sends me through to the security line lol. If this part of the story is frustrating you, try living it!

So things are looking up now right? I am finally in a real security line which must lead into the airport right? At the very least, this security check should be valid enough so I don’t have to do another one, right? Well, you guessed it, I wait for my turn as the line snakes around for about 25 minutes. I take off my shoes, my belt, empty my pockets, pretty much get naked, and damn if I don’t beep. What does it mean if you beep in Israel? There is a lot of yelling, a wand, loud noises, rubber gloves and really, really mean female soldiers. You also get to unpack your bag again.

All told, I finally made it to the gate with only 15 minutes to spare!

Would I go again? In a heartbeat!